Isn’t she cute? She’s a 14 week old Staffordshire Bull Terrier, and we welcomed her into our home yesterday. Or at least the human occupants did, the feline ones still need a little convincing (though there’ve been no scraps yet, which has to be a good sign!).

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that stickingtails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is: (1) kiss me, THEN (2) go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”-niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t wear your clothes
10. Don’t need money for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

This little diversion was shamelessly stolen from a forum I frequent (which I’d link to, but there’s little point as it’s private).

As I mentioned a few days ago, I’m currently sharing my little office room with our pet lovebird, D2. It’s all worked out quite well so far, but now and again he does get a bee in his bonnet and decides to squawk his little head off. Which doesn’t do my head any good when I’m trying to concentrate on getting things done.

However, music does seem to calm him down almost instantly, depending on the music. Cat Stevens is proving to be a definate favourite with the Tea for the Tillerman album. But I’ve gotten a little fed up with listening to Cat Stevens (30 times in a day will do that to a person), so today we’ve been experimenting.

On D2 the lovebirds love list is…

• Cat Stevens – Tea for the Tillerman (we even get a chirp-along to this one).
• Fairport Convention – Liege and Lief
• Robbie Williams – Swing When You’re Winning
• Bob Dylan – Live at Budokan
• The Wallflowers – Bringing Down the Horse

On D2 the lovebirds hate list is…

• Joan Armatrading – Track Record
• Chemical Brothers – Push the Button
• Pink Floyd – Animals

We’re still experimenting. I expect to test D2 to the limit tomorrow with Black Sabbath, Scissor Sisters, The Who, and Rammstein.